Three women were sitting around the kitchen table discussing how they took revenge on their adulterous husbands.

The first woman said, “When I found out my husband was having an affair, I took all his clothes and threw them on the front lawn.”

The second woman replied, “That’s good, but I took the subtle approach. I took a pin and poked holes in all his condoms.”

The third woman fainted.

Three men from the same city reach Heaven’s Pearly Gates at the same time. Peter is astonished, as this has never happened before. He says, “I will remember this always! You MUST tell me how you each died!”

The first man says, “Well, I have a heart condition and have been suspecting my wife of cheating. I come home early from work one day to find her naked in the apartment. I rush all over to find the scum she’s sleeping with and find him dangling off the edge of our balcony. I stomp on his fingers and he lets go, falling twenty stories. He land in some bushes, so I grab the fridge and throw it down on him, crushing him. All the stress was too much for my heart, so I died.”

The second man says, “I was cleaning windows on an apartment building when I slip and fall off my scaffold. Luckily, I grab onto a balcony, but some crazy guy stomps on my fingers. I let go and fall twenty stories, but safely land in a bush. I look up, and there’s a fridge falling on me!”

“Wow!” says St. Peter. “That’s amazing!” He turns to the third man and asks, “So, how did you die?”

The third man says, “Well, I’m naked in a refrigerator…”

As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was tall…very tall…an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: ‘These two are going to rob me.’ Her next thought was: ‘Don’t be a bigot; they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.’ But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn’t read her mind but gosh, they had to know what she was thinking!!!

Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn’t just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased! The elevator didn’t move. Panic consumed her. ‘My God,’ she thought, I’m trapped and about to be robbed! ‘Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, ‘Hit the floor.’ Instinct told her to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, ‘Ma’am, if you’ll just tell us what floor you’re going to, we’ll push the button.’ The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. ‘When I told my friend here to hit the floor,’ said the average sized one, ‘I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn’t mean for you to hit the floor, ma’am.’ He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. The woman thought: ‘My God, what a spectacle I’ve made of myself.’ She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were going to rob you? She didn’t know what to say. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room – a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. The card said: ‘Thanks for the best laugh we’ve had in years.’

It was signed; Eddie Murphy Michael Jordan

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in with two ice chests full of fish leaving a cove well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, ‘Do you have a license to catch those fish?’ ‘No, sir’, replied the redneck. ‘I ain’t got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.’

‘Pet fish?’

‘Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let ‘em swim ’round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take ‘em home.’

‘Fish can’t do that!’

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, ‘It’s the truth and I’ll show ya. It really works.’

‘OK’, said the warden. ‘I’ve got to see this!’

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, ‘Well?’

‘Well, what?’, says the redneck.

The warden says, ‘When are you going to call them back?’

‘Call who back?’

The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No. What did that stupid monkey do this time?” says the patron.

“Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole” says the bartender.

“Yeah, well I hope it kills him because he’s been driving me nuts” says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his butt, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a peanut up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it” says the bartender.

“Well, what do you expect?” replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that darn cue ball he measures everything first!”

Asian lady to bank teller: “Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two huned dolla fo yen. Today I get huned eighty?? Why it change?”

Teller “Fluctuations”.

Asian lady, “Fluc you white people, too”.

A guy speeds into the hospital parking lot, sprints past the receptionists and meets the doctor coming out of the operating room, bloody, taking his gloves off.

“Doctor! Doctor! What happened? How is my wife?”

“I’m so sorry, sir. It was a terrible accident. She’s been badly burned, and there was severe brain damage. She may live a long time, but you’ll have to feed her, as she can’t use her hands. You’ll need to help her go to the toilet, and wipe up after her, and bathe her by hand every day. She can still talk, but that’s about it. And there was extensive skin damage, and she’s going to be severly disfigured.

“Also, and I realize this is a bad time to bring it up, but your insurance isn’t going to pay for this. You’re going to have to pay for this visit, and you’ll be paying for medication for her as long as she’s alive, which could be a long time, and she’d going to need a lot of medication. She’ll need constant care. I’m terribly sorry.”

The guy is horrified. He’s shocked again and again through all this. In the end, he can only respond with stunned silence.

Finally, the doctor says, “Aw, man. I’m just fucking with you. She’s dead.”

A hunter creeps through the forest. He eventually spots a black bear in a clearing. Carefully he takes aim and shoots the bear. He is congratulating himself when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

Turning around, he sees a massive brown bear behind him. “That was a terrible thing you did,” says the brown bear, “and now you must pay the price. I will either rip you apart or rape you in the butt. Your choice.” The hunter thinks for a moment, then drops his pants and bends over.

An hour later, the hunter staggers from the forest and limps to the hospital. The next day he hobbles home, thinking only of revenge on the bear. Soon he is back in the forest, stalking the bear. He eventually sees it by a river, and quickly he shoots it dead.

“Yes!” yells the hunter as he feels the thrill of revenge. But then, without warning, he feels a tap on his shoulder. Turning around slowly, he sees a gargantuan grizzly bear behind him.

“You have done a terrible thing,” intones the bear in a deep voice, “now you have a choice: either I maul you to death, or I rape you in the butt.” Shuddering, the hunter drops his pants and bends over.

Three hours later, the hunter crawls from the forest. He is released from the hospital after a week of anal surgeries to fix his colon. He thought of nothing but revenge on the grizzly bear during the ordeal. Now, he is back in the woods, looking for the grizzly.

He spots it catching salmon, and shoots it down from the forest. “Haha!” yells the hunter, jumping up and down. But then he feels a tap on his shoulder.

Quickly the hunter spins around, unable to believe what is happening. “No!” he screams in disbelief, for there is a gigantic polar bear right behind him. “Hey buddy,” says the polar bear, “I’m starting to think you don’t come here for the hunting.”